Hugh Mannity called in the suspects one by one.  C. O. Two sauntered in first.  “Okay, okay,” grumbled the greenhouse gas, “I know I’m causing a lot of trouble, but can you blame me?  For tens of millions of years I did a great job of running a consistently balanced carbon cycle.  I’d travel from the atmosphere to plants, then to the soil then back again to the atmosphere.  But then you guys took a liking to burning petroleum-based fossil fuels.
 
        “Since then, there’s 50% more of me in your atmosphere than the previous long-term average.  So I admit, I’m a chief cause of all the troubles you’re having with the warming climate.”  Turning on his heels, C.O. stormed out.

        “Yoo-Hoo!”  Ima D’Watters, poked her head in. “Can I be next?” she inquired sweetly.  Hugh waved her in. “Sorry to have to call you in, but your already-high numbers are growing as the atmosphere heats up.  Your water vapor accounts for about half of the heat-trapping molecules in the atmosphere.”

        “That’s true,” Ms. D’Watters agreed cautiously, “but don’t blame me.  I’m NOT like those gassy guys waiting in your lobby.  When they pile up in the atmosphere they heat up the planet, and it heats me up too!  I don’t like it, but that’s just how my molecules react to the warming they’ve put in motion,” she tearfully replied as she left.

            With his collar up, backwards cap and eyes averted, Nat Uralgass sauntered in.  “What’d ya call me in for?  I thought I was on your side trying to help you get rid of that CO2  guy,” Nat snickered.  “He hangs around in the atmosphere over-heating the planet for hundreds of years.  Me?  Ten - fifteen years tops and ‘Poof’ I’m outta here.”

            “We get that,” Hugh responded, “but listen; CO2 acts like a blanket around the Earth.  But you, pal, are like 100 blankets!  So we’re doubling down on your attempts to escape through faulty gas wells, valves and pipelines.  Folks are having aging gas ovens properly serviced or are replacing them with electric models.  And maybe you think burping cattle are funny, but smart farmers are finding ways to change their cattle’s diets to reduce all that gas.

            “So Nat (a.k.a. Methane), quit your destructive leaking because this is the only home we’ll ever know.  It’s where we’re all forever… Earthbound.”

        Trav Lurr stepped up to the counter at Rex’s Travel Agency.  “How can I help you?”  Rex asked.  “Now that the pandemic seems to be settling down,” Trav said, “my family is looking forward to getting out of the house this summer.  But here’s the thing; we’re trying to be thoughtful about how much fossil fuel fumes we blast into the atmosphere.  How can we get where we want to go in the most climate-smart way?”

        “Glad you asked,” said Rex. “With Mother’s Day right around the corner, Mother (Earth) appreciates your thoughtfulness.  Now, pollution-wise you’ve got a range of options - walking or biking on one end and flying first-class on the other.  Something in between is likely to be the best fit for your family.  Some options:

• For a family of 3 or more people, driving your own car isn’t a bad choice, depending of course on how fuel-efficient your vehicle is.
• Amtrak (train) or motor coach (bus) are by far your best choices for public transportation.
• Flying, unfortunately, is not a great option environmentally-speaking.  But if you do fly, squeezing into coach (I know, those seats keep shrinking.) slashes one’s individual carbon footprint about in-half as compared to business or first-class seating.
  

“But let me tell you about another way you can be thoughtful about reducing the environmental impact of your flight,” Rex added.

        Rex gave Trav a quick lesson on Solar Renewable Energy Credits (sRECs).  Wisconsin businesses and even homeowners have an additional incentive to install rooftop solar because of the opportunity to earn credit (i.e. dollars) for the clean energy they generate.  Air travelers who buy sRECs for their air-miles help create that incentive.  And that, in effect, partially offsets the greenhouse gas emissions from their flight.

        The trick is to be sure the sRECs are legitimately helpful.  Rex recommended talking to Elise at Legacy Solar Coop - elise@legacysolarcoop.org - 608-571-4992.  Legacy’s sRECs support local organizations, help build Wisconsin’s own clean energy capacity, and strengthen the Midwest’s energy and grid security.

        “For example,” Rex continued, “sRECs for an economy-seat, round-trip flight to the west coast would be about $30, a small fraction of the ticket cost.”

        “Great! I’ll gladly pay a few extra dollars to help protect Mother Earth,” Trav exclaimed.  “After all, she’s the only home we’ll ever know; we’re all forever… Earthbound.” 

       Hugh Mannity studied the sign on the door: Goldie’s Consulting – We Make Things Just Right!  Hugh hurried in and blurted out, “We’ve got three big cares, er…problems.  Can you help?

       “Millions of people across the globe are suffering and dying from terrible scourges:  international conflicts, diseases from polluted air, and extreme weather events.  We need three solutions as soon as possible.  Please help!” Hugh pleaded.

       Goldie got right to work on the international conflicts problem.  The war in Ukraine was the obvious first place to start.  “That’s weird,”  Goldie said to herself.  “The West is trying to strangle Russia economically, yet it continues to purchase about a million barrels of Russian oil a day.   Beyond that, over the decades we’re continually begging some of the biggest petro-dictatorships — Venezuela, Iran and Saudi Arabia, in particular — to either increase OR decrease their oil production dependent on our economic needs at the time.   We’re forever beholding to these governments that often instigate international conflicts.”

       Next, Goldie looked into the diseases caused by air pollution.  She learned the World Health Organization estimates 7 million people die annually from smoggy air.  On top of that, each year nearly 2 million children suffer from asthma caused by motor vehicle emissions.  Goldie just shook her head.

       She was almost hesitant to look at the extreme weather data because she knew the human toll from wildfires, floods and storms was devastating and immeasurable.  But then she also learned that the economic costs are skyrocketing.  The Consumer Price Index adjusted cost of extreme weather events for all of the 1980s was $178 billion.  Two decades later in the 2010s it more than quadrupled to $811billion.  And the costs just keep rising!

       Hugh returned the following week.  “Did you find three solutions?” Hugh asked eagerly.  “Not really,” Goldie admitted, “but I have ONE solution to help make all these situations Just Right,” she smiled.

       “All of these problems can be addressed by (as Pres. Bush put it two decades ago) ending our addiction to oil.  Or, as Hal Harvey of Energy Innovation says, ‘Clean (energy) alternatives are now cheaper than the dirty ones.  It costs more to ruin the earth (while being enslaved by petro-dictators) than to save it.’”

       “Then let’s save it!” Hugh Mannity declared, “Because this is the only home we’ll ever know.  It’s where we’re all forever… Earthbound.”