“Ah… the celebrity himself!”  Parry beamed as he held open the door to the Clean Air Bandits clubhouse.  Smokey Fumes glided in past a display of recent newspaper clippings. “Lingering Effects of Wildfire Smoke” – “Canadian Wildfires have Broken Records” – “Wildfire Smoke Increases” and so on.

            The Clean Air Bandits is a mish-mash of reprehensible characters whose only goal is to maximize profits.  If that results in a smoggy, smoky atmosphere, the Bandits figure they’ve sort of “made off” with some clean air.  It’s treated like some backwards badge of honor.  This month, the Foul Friend award was going to Smokey Fumes.

            “Thank you, thank you,” Smokey began after accepting the award.  “I’m humbled to be here in the presence of past award winners such as Parry Tickulates.  But I wouldn’t have been able to disrupt so many summer travel and vacation plans had it not been for the decades-long efforts of giants such as Carl Bon-Dioxide, and May Thane.  Carl…May… Come on up!”  Amidst a thunderous round of applause May and Carl joined Smokey.

            “I’ll admit,” Smokey continued, “I’ve made a big splash recently.  But you two, along with your greenhouse gas (GHG) buddies, silently go about your work day after day, slowly raising the air temperature and making my work easier.”  With that, Smokey held up a newspaper headline he’d clipped – ‘Earth Reaches Hottest Day Ever Recorded 4 Days in a Row!’  “Folks got all upset because for several days they could actually see and smell me.  But I’ve got to hand it to you two!  Being invisible and tasteless you just keep multiplying mostly unnoticed.  Just image if folks could see and smell the increasing damage you do to their precious atmosphere every day.  They’d be jumping all over themselves to shut you down!” Smokey concluded.

            “Thank you, Smokey.  You’re right,” May agreed. “But I think humans are smarter than you’re giving them credit for.  I’ve been watching ordinary folks take steps to reduce their GHG emissions.  You know…all the usual stuff – raise the AC a couple degrees, limit or combine vehicle trips and so on.  And for summer travel they’re buying Solar Renewable Energy Credits (sRECs) from reliable sources like Legacy Solar Coop - legacysolarcoop.org/purchase-srecs/  to help offset their GHG emissions.
            “It’s really not that surprising,” May concluded, “because this is humankind’s only home.  It’s where they’re all forever…Earthbound.”

             “Did you see the latest figures? I can hardly believe they’re still letting us do this!” Polly exclaimed excitedly. “No kidding – 99%!” Sty replied. “We’ve really got them hooked.”

            Polly Ethylene and Sty Roephome were enjoying a cup of petrol(??) at the Fill’er-Up Gashouse.  “Sty, you old devil, I’m amazed that humans still allow you to create 80,000 tons* of waste every year.  Don’t they get it that over 99% of it never gets recycled?  Humans love your cups, packaging materials, carryout containers and egg cartons.  But you’re so light and breakable that you blow all over the place littering the countryside and clogging waterways. 

           “Must be that humans are fooled by the ‘out of sight out of mind’ adage when they bury you in a landfill.  I guess they don’t get that styrofoam is chemically stable and non-biodegradable.  When some archeologist digs you up 500 years from now, you’ll still be there smiling up at her.  Honestly, if I were the humans, I’d pull the plug on you, pal,” she winked.  “There are so many better alternatives.”

          “You may be right, but I’m still in the game,” Sty grinned back. “You’re a bit of a devil yourself.  These humans are trying every which way to lower their use of greenhouse gas (GHG) emitting fossil fuels.  Yet 99% of you is composed of those very fuels, and humans are making more and more of you every year.  At this rate, one estimate says by 2050 the making and disposing of you could generate the GHG emissions of over 600 coal plants each year.  

           “And you’re also good at tricking humans.  I understand that a lot of them think it’s just fine to use plastic because they say, ‘I’ll just recycle it.’  But only about 9% of your mess actually gets recycled.  Seems like humans should pull the plug on you too!” Sty teased.

         Finishing their drinks, Polly and Sty reminisced about the benefits they’ve provided for humankind. “Yeah, we’ve been very convenient to use.  But I gotta admit, it’s time to retire,” Polly added. “If I were a human, I’d definitely keep recycling.  But when given a choice concerning which products or packaging to use, I’d say, ‘No thanks to Polly and Sty!  I’m choosing Earth-friendly alternatives instead.’ Because this is their only home; it’s where they’re all forever…Earthbound.”