Art Tick shuffled slowly into the clinic. This past winter had been a miserable flop. His ice was far less expansive and much thinner than even a few short years ago. Arty hadn’t felt this out of sync for 10,000 years when he was just wrapping up the ice age. But at that time the unusual sensation was invigorating; he was a super cold, powerful, dominating presence. Now it’s just the opposite. Feverish and weak, Arty has lost much of his vitality.
Doc Cy Entist escorted him into the examination room, and Arty poured out his symptoms: lack of ice, excessive cloud cover, occasional fog and rain instead of snow, an erratic jet stream that swings wildly in huge dips south then back north causing wacko weather in the mid-latitudes below the polar region. “Doc, instead of reliable sub-zero temps all winter, some days my temperature actually climbed above freezing – IN WINTER!” Art cried. “Ya gotta be straight with me Doc. I’m not going to lose all my ice this summer, am I?”
“Cool down,” Cy Entist cautioned, “or in a few decades you might. Here’s the reality Art Tick. We’ve got to get you stabilized, or we’ll all be in trouble. Your frozen ice pack is a major factor in the relatively reliable weather patterns we’ve had since the ice age. If you lose too much more ice, it’s a crap-shoot as to where we’ll end up.
“Arty,” Doc continued, “you’ve got a classic case of carbon overload. You’re carrying way too much CO2 in your water and air. That carbon needs to be put back into the soil where it will do some good. Wise farmers can help with proper soil management. Meanwhile, I’m putting you on a low CO2 diet and prescribing a strong dose of CF&D.* It’ll make you feel better, and the CF&D will help those poor blokes in the mid-latitudes of the U.S. whose weather you’re messing with. Besides slowing the accumulation of atmospheric carbon, it’ll give most of them a little extra cash to ‘weather the storm’, shall we say?
“Because if you continue on this path, there’s no telling how wacko our weather might get. After all, this is the only home we’ll ever know; we’re here forever…Earthbound.
*Carbon Fee & Dividend legislation would pay cash dividends to every American household. Learn more at CtizensClimateLobby.org